Wednesday, March 07, 2007


And now, ladies and gentlemen, the list you have all been waiting for has been published! We welcome the 2007 version of the Princeton Review’s College Rankings. Yes, my alma mater, The Harvard of Evangelical Christendom, The Oxford of Midwestern Conservatism, The Yale of Christian Academia, has scored very high on eleven, count ‘em, eleven (11) of the PR’s lists. Oh, where to begin?

Why put off the good stuff? This is what you really want to know anyway. How did Wheaton, dear old Wheaton score on the partying lists?

In answer to the question, “How widely used is beer?” we came in second only to Brigham Young University as the least “hopped up” college.

“How about hard liquor?” you ask. We won that one, coming in first as the least (not yeast) users over, yes, you guessed it, BYU!

What about the wicked weed? I can’t seem to explain this one except that the United States academies must have very stringent rules about hemp. Of course, BYU is first, followed by the Naval Academy, the Air Force Academy, the Coast Guard Academy, and the Merchant Marine Academy. The Orange and the Blue gets smoked and comes in #6 behind them. (I wonder about Army?)

How do you get an overall ranking for party schools? You combine questions having to do with the use of drugs and alcohol, number of hours spent studying, and the popularity of Greek frats and sororities. Wheaton parties on at #2, again trailing BYU.

Let’s move to some of the less “interesting” categories. Speaking of parties, among schools that long for the “good old Reagan days,” we are #7. Of colleges that are least accepting of alternative lifestyles we rank #4. In the category of “Future Rotarians and Daughters of the American Revolution” we climb all the way to #3. (Makes me so darn proud!)

“So what could be left?” asks the curious alumnus. Ah, food! Wheaton’s food is ranked #3 among all the colleges. (Remember getting a beat up piece of beef and calling it “steak night” every other weekend? I guess that is routine now except the meat is USDA prime!) Then there is the “Town and Gown” category. How well do college students get along with the townies? We are #8! And in overall quality of life, alma mater checks in at #16!

Why, you may wonder, does Wheaton score so well in all these areas? How could it be such a generally outstanding place to spend one’s college years? I could talk about all the good looking girls and guys on campus but that would be too shallow. Here is your answer. In the category of percentage of students on campus who pray, Wheaton is #2, behind, yep, you guessed it, BYU!

“Wheaton, dear old Wheaton, live forever!”


At 5:36 AM, Blogger jazzycat said...

Do they football at Wheaton? Most of the time, I wish my school didn't.

Seriously, wouldn't it be great if our country realized from whence their quality of life came from.

At 3:14 PM, Blogger Shiloh Guy said...


Yes, they do have football at Wheaton although, as a NCAA Division III school, they cannot give any scholarships. So the guys are truly student-athletes and not pros in training. Our team has been very good the last four years, making the NCAA playoffs every year. When I was there we usually won one or two games a year.


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